The Sum of Things
by okapiangel
Summary: They don't break up this time because they're not dating...    Follows Puck and Rachel through the years.  Chapter three is up!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own Glee or the characters. If I did, Rachel would not be in love with Finn, and Jesse would still be around :)**

**A/N: This is my first Glee story, as well as my first story in years. If I don't have the style down, I'm sorry :( Also, I do have vague plans to continue this, but no promising on regular updates. Still, I have been bitten by the Puckleberry bug. **

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**The Sum of Things**

When they break up for the first time, she's relieved.

She's been expecting it since she found out they were dating. When she looks back over the week's events, she's still not entirely sure how things added up they way they did.

He had slushied her that Thursday before, and they had sat together at Temple that Friday, but nothing had seemed out of the ordinary.

He never slushied her on Fridays because of Temple. The very first time he had slushied her they were in seventh grade and it was a Wednesday. That Friday he had sat with her during services because there really weren't that many people his age there. This meant there weren't many her age their either, but she had never minded this because she had always been precocious and conducted herself just like a miniature adult, mixing with them easily and never realizing that their smiles were more from amusement than anything else. Puck, however, avoided the adults like a plague, maintaining that they smelled funny. When he told her this she said he shouldn't make fun of their elders and walked away. He had grabbed his sister then and gave her a quarter telling her she could have another if she told the kid with a fro that Rachel Berry had the hots for him.

Rachel always sought out Puck after that because he was her protector from Jacob Ben Israel.

The first and only time he slushied her on a Friday, she refused to sit with him at Temple. So he ended up sitting with his mom and sister – who sat next to a corpse. That's what he called the ancient beyond belief people who showed up every Friday without fail. This one apparently had lost his sense of smell and didn't know his depends needed changing. He glared at Rachel who was sitting with her hands folded in her lap next to her dads. Frankly he didn't understand why she'd sit with him when he slushied her on a Thursday, but not on a Friday.

Still, he never slushied her on a Friday again.

He had slushied her on Thursday, so when she saw the grape slushy in his hand on Monday, she instinctively closed her eyes. When nothing happened, she opened one eye and looked up at him. Then he'd told her he'd gotten her grape because he knew it was her favorite. Technically banana was her favorite, but the slushy machine at school only had cherry and grape, and cherry reminded her of cough medicine.

The next thing she knew they were making out on her bed. Well, perhaps it wasn't the exact next thing, but she'd always had a flare for the dramatic. Which explained why she pulled away so suddenly when she realized whom she'd been kissing. Trying to give herself an out, and to avoid having to admit she was only dating him because he was a replacement Finn, she informed him she was too high maintenance for him. At least that's what she thought she'd told him. Apparently he'd taken it as a challenge and performed _Sweet Caroline_ in glee for her. She blushed when he sang at her because that's what protocol demanded.

Sometime after that they became a couple. When they walked down the halls, she tried not to look at Finn and Quinn. Still, every time she did, she would distract herself by engaging Puck in conversation, however once sided it might be. She's certain that he learned more that week about Broadway than he ever wanted to. Or perhaps he didn't. She knew that as much as she watched Finn, he watched Quinn. But for some reason, she ignored this and held on to his arm tighter.

When he was hit with a slushy, she cleaned him up. She was surprised by his apology for all the slushies she had to endure from him over the years. But he never asked why she still sat with him at Temple. She was glad he didn't, because she didn't think she could adequately answer that question. Still, she was positive they were broken up when they left the bathroom. But he showed up to glee and she hugged him and he all but dared people to slushy him, and she thought maybe they might make it. But then someone mentioned Finn and her heart constricted and she watched him stare at Quinn all through glee. She didn't blame him though.

When they break up on Friday, she's relieved. Somehow she had been expecting more drama, so when there isn't, she's happy. She admits to him that she loves Finn, and she acknowledges that he loves Quinn. Then she admits to him that she wants everything too much. She wants to not want Finn. But she wants Finn just as badly as she wants to not want him. She can't figure out which she wants more, because she wants both scenarios so badly it hurts. She doesn't know that she necessarily wants to date Puck, or to just be able to date someone without constantly looking at Finn.

She calls him a jerk when the situation demands it. She's called him a jerk before, but for some reason it affects him more now. She thinks she should have maybe been listening more when he was talking. Sure, she'd heard his words, but she'd been watching Finn, and hadn't focused like she thinks she should have. She's hurt when he tells her they were never friends to begin with, and she watches him walk away wishing she could run after him and apologize. But she stays in her seat, thinking that running after him to apologize might be too dramatic for even her.

That night at Temple she keeps the seat next to her open, and she's been sitting for ten minutes when he sits down next to her. She smiles at him and he smiles back and she asks him if they're still friends and he tells her to stop being such a drama queen. And things are back to normal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still not mine.**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and subscriptions! They really make me happy :) I know I didn't promise regular updates, but I felt inspired to do this chapter. Takes place during _Bad Reputation_. This is Puck's point of view, and I'm trying to get comfortable with his character's style of narration (but still have it feel cohesive with the first chapter). I'm still not promising regular updates, but I do have some ideas on percolate. ...I really do love the reviews, so if you like it, maybe let me know? :)**

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**The Sum of Things**

**Chapter 2**

The second time they break up doesn't count since they weren't even dating to begin with.

He supposes that if he were dating anyone at that time, it was Quinn. But when Rachel approached him in the hall and coyly asked him to come over, he went without question or qualm. Looking back on it, he thinks he should have known something was up, especially since she had that 'Rachel's plotting something' look in her eyes. But sometimes he got that look mixed up with her lust look. To be fair, she had shot both looks in Finn's direction so many times that confusing them was understandable.

He knew she had a boyfriend, but boyfriends had never stopped him before. Plus if he was being completely honest, she'd gotten under his skin. It was expected though, she'd made out with him daily when they had dated the first time, but never allowed him any more. Clearly he had unfinished business with Rachel Berry.

When she began talking about their old relationship, and the ridiculous nickname their peers had dubbed for them (seriously, Puckleberry? – sounds like a cartoon his sister watched), he looked at her with a sense of triumph. She must have known there was unresolved sexual tension with their post breakup relationship and wanted to rectify it. When he is honest with himself, he admits that he wasn't going to break up with her. She may have bored him to death with her talk about Broadway plays and songwriters he'd never heard of, but he liked how she'd clung to him. He'd liked how they fit together when he'd held her. And he'd liked how she'd looked at him like a hero when he'd chosen glee over football.

He'd never been anyone's hero before.

She was right though; he was always looking at Quinn. Maybe it was love, he didn't know. Or maybe he was just determined to prove he wasn't a Lima loser and could provide for his child. Or maybe he just wanted what he knew he couldn't have. Maybe Berry was right when she'd said he wanted too much. Because he wanted the girl who was having his child, and he'd wanted the girl who was breaking up with him.

She'd gotten a boyfriend shortly after, and while he was certain they wouldn't last, it hurt that the only glances she spared for another guy were always directed towards Finn. He'd always reach for Quinn's hand when Rachel would glance at Finn. Sometimes he wondered if Quinn had figured that out.

Still, when he thought Berry had wanted to get back together, he'd been a little more than interested. But she'd said no, she'd only needed his help for glee club.

He tried not to look disappointed. If he did, she didn't notice, because when Rachel Berry had her sights on something, she didn't notice much else. So he'd asked her what song she had in mind, but couldn't hide his confusion at her selection. Sometimes he wondered where she managed to find her music.

Before he acknowledged his agreement – because they both knew he would help her out (he's never been able to tell her no) – he asked her if she thought he made the glist. He didn't care what the others thought, because he knew they'd assume the worst of him, but somehow her opinion mattered. Like the time she'd basically called him a coward for not singing a solo. She'll never know, but he was up all night rehearsing for his debut performance.

When she said it sounded like something he'd do, he couldn't help feeling upset. He didn't lie when he said he was tired of being judged for past mistakes. He was tired of it. And he'll never admit it, but the thought of her judging him hurt more than he'd been willing to admit. For one of the first times, he was completely honest with someone and he confessed that he really did try to be good – but he thought he was fighting a losing battle with his nature. She said she'd understood, and he believed her – mostly because he'd watched her physically try to contain her criticisms in glee club. Sometimes he'd bet with Mike and Matt on how long it would take her to explode (seriously she was like a volcano or something – sometimes she'd physically shake with her attempts at restraint).

Looking back, he realized that while she had plenty to say about the others (even Finn), she'd never criticized any of his performances.

She was close to him then, and he'd smelled her hair (it smelled like jasmine) and he'd wanted to kiss her. She had pushed him away the first time he moved towards her, and, being persistent, he'd tried again. When she'd refused him once more – blatantly choosing that Jesse guy over him, he'd been ready to peace. But she'd grabbed his hand and told him it'd be good for his reputation to help her. And he knew enough to know that was the closest she'd come to begging him.

And, as much as his gut told him it was a bad idea to let her know how little resistance he had towards her, they both already known he wouldn't tell her no. Instead he'd rolled his eyes and given in to her crazy.

Despite his air of nonchalance, he'd been interested in seeing the final product, especially considering he'd overacted every bit of it – something she'd asked him to do (something about making it more melodramatic or something… he wasn't listening, he was trying not to notice how much her lips were begging to be kissed). But when the scene flipped to Jesse – and then Finn – he got angry. He watched the other guys get angry too as they realized what she'd done. He also had watched how pleased she'd grown with herself as the video played on. When Finn called her video garbage, he let himself be angry – he'd known something was up – but he'd gone along with it anyhow (he wasn't mad at her exactly… more like he was mad at himself for letting himself be blatantly used). But his anger dissipated when he saw how crushed she was at both Finn and Jesse's reactions. When they'd stormed out, she looked at him, fully expecting him to follow suit. But he stayed put.

Just like she'd never critiqued his performances, he wouldn't judge her. After all, she'd sympathized with him being tired of being judged for mistakes. He'd be damned if he didn't give her the same sympathy.

She sings an apology song to them the next day. He watches as she attempts eye contact with both Finn and Jesse, and he watches how they refuse to meet her gaze.

She never looks at him though and he understands. He's not her boyfriend and he's not the guy she was in love with. He's just the guy she used because she knew he'd say yes. He supposes his lack of anger towards her means he isn't the victim.

He leaves with the others holding Quinn's hand. He won't cast judgment on her, because he gets it.

That doesn't mean he has to like it though.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Neither Glee nor the songs mentioned in this chapter are mine :)**

**A/N: I'm shifting the point of view from recollecting what happened in various episodes to a present tense viewpoint. This makes sense as I'm now adding various scenes and I find writing in present tense will help this more. This chapter takes place during _Laryngitis_. I'd love to hear what you think about this chapter :)  
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**Chapter Three**

They don't break up this time, because they aren't dating.

She's been sitting on the same swing for the last twenty minutes watching her foot trace circles in the dirt. All around her parents are gathering their children and heading home as the sun prepares to set. She really had no particular reason to be in the park, except that when the heroines in movies have had their hearts stamped upon, they usually retreat to a swing to try and mend the shattered pieces. While she has no particular patience for others who languish in their sorrows, she feels she deserves this time to wallow.

What she is not expecting is for Noah Puckerman to show up with his sister. His sister is complaining about getting to the park too late to have much playtime before the sun completely sets. She hears Puck tell her it's not his fault practice went long and he had other errands to run and to shut up and play. She feels a little sorry for the female Puckerman, but she's too involved in her own wallowing to feel any real empathy. So instead she sits and waits for him to notice her, while pretending to be oblivious towards his very noisy presence.

She refuses to look at him and keeps staring at her foot, which is still tracing circles in the dirt. They're not even very nice circles at that. If she were feeling up to her usual perfectionist self, she would make sure they were even and aesthetically pleasing. But she's not, and is instead trying to ignore the person she can literally _feel_ walking towards her, all the while running through her vast mental repertory of songs for one that perfectly captures her melancholy.

"'Sup Berry?" She feels him sit on the vacant swing next to her, and supposes that it's only polite to greet him in return.

"Noah."

It's only then that she notices his hair, or lack thereof, and is momentarily surprised from her morose actions. "Your hair is different…"

He immediately runs a hand over his shaved head, "Yeah, mom freaked out about a mole and made me go to some doctor. Apparently he had to shave my head to determine it was just a fucking freckle."

She raises her eyebrows at his language, "Do you miss it?"

He snorts in response, "Whatever. I'm still a badass."

Though she doesn't believe his flippancy, she can't help a small smile, "I like it. It looks nice." Then she remembers she's wallowing, and returns to her dirt circles.

"So what's your problem?"

Apparently Puck was in a mood for conversation. She, however, was trying to determine if she was feeling more like Gino Vanelli's _Living Inside Myself_ or Feist's _ Almost Lover_.

"Seriously Berry, we both know you're dying to tell me why you're sitting on a swing by yourself. So spill before I have to take the brat home."

"Jesse's in San Diego for spring break. He didn't even say goodbye." She looks up at him and there are tears in her eyes, though she'd never admit that she was responsible for their placement simply due to her ability to cry on command. She knows there should be tears, but somehow, they're not coming naturally.

When Puck doesn't respond, she adds, "I'm almost positive he's broken my heart and is now done with me."

She tries not to be too indignant when Puck snorts, "Whatever Berry. You are such a crazy drama queen."

Instead of leaving at that remark, she stays put and the two continue to talk while his sister amuses herself on the various pieces of playground equipment. She asks him again if he's happy with his hair and he tells her to stop making such a big deal out of a fucking haircut, she's certain he misses his mohawk, but he declares the chicks will still put out for the Puckersaurus with or without his 'hawk. She then hits him for being a pig. He tells her she's just craving a break-up make out with him, and she begs him not to tell anyone (read: Finn) that she and Jesse are more or less over. She then asks him which is the better break up song and has to sing him both songs (quietly though because he threatens to leave if she belts out break up songs in the park), and he says neither song is good enough. She feels a bit warm and fuzzy at this remark, until he says she should use Alanis Morisette's _You Outta Know_, and she's a bit surprised he knows about that song. She asks him why, and he replies that that the chick in that song is just as crazy as she is.

She glares at him, but he can't see it because the sun has set, and there aren't really a lot of lights in the playground.

And then, for some reason unknown to her, she kisses him. He seems surprised, but he starts to kiss back, and it's when she feels his tongue in her mouth that she pulls away. She's not sure if this kiss means anything, she's pretty sure it doesn't. So she stands up and looks at her cell phone, partly to see the time, and partly to check and see if she missed a call from Jesse. Its past 10:30 and she has school in the morning, and she's pretty sure his sister is asleep on the slide. She thanks him for talking to her and walks away, and is certain she hears him mutter something about her being a damn crazy Jew.

The next morning she wakes up with a hint of a sore throat that she's certain is a product of her late night in the night air. So she loads up on vitamins and sings her heart out in glee club that afternoon. But her vocal chords are tired, and she complains to Mr. Schuester about the current lack of support from her fellow glee members. To her surprise, he actually agrees with her for once and challenges the others to sing more.

But apparently it's a case of 'too little too late,' as her vocal chords have been strained to the max and she faces laryngitis. She glares at Puck, but he's not paying attention to her, apparently she was right and he does miss his hair. But she has no sympathy for him at the moment. His hair will grow back – her laryngitis could potentially ruin her future.

Finn's been lavishing her with attention however, even volunteering to take her to the doctor. She smiles at him, but her smile is sad – the smile of someone in danger of losing their life's dream. In her mind Evita's _Lament_ is playing, the perfect song about someone's star burning out much too quickly – but she'd probably never again get the chance to sing it.

The doctor confirms laryngitis and her fears are confirmed. And however much he may push it, she is not letting someone mess with her throat. She's in the middle of pondering a music-less future when Finn gets a text from Matt saying Puck was dumpstered, and she's glad when she hears it. After all, this is her future he potentially ruined by keeping her out in the damp.

But the next day when he sings (and he won't even look at her!) to Mercedes she has the decency to maintain a heartbroken smile. But everyone assumes it's because of her vocal trauma, and she doesn't correct them.

She ups the drama two days later, showing up in the worst sweater she can find, and walking around like a forgotten diva. She misses the Puck she talked with in the park – even if she is mad at him for ruining her life – the Puck who called her on her crazy, but never made her feel judged for it. But he's following his new girlfriend around and enjoying his regained popularity, and is too preoccupied with all the attention from Mercedes and Santana fighting over him to even spare her a sympathetic glance. She thinks, not for the first time, that she misses Jesse – he would sympathize with her plight. Instead she gets Finn who tells her to suck it up makes her feel like a whining brat.

Finn takes her to visit with Sean, who manages to put everything in perspective for her.

Her voice returns and visits him again by herself – to thank him for helping her put her vocal talents in perspective. And also to help relieve some of the guilt she is feeling. Her voice returned, but he's paralyzed for life.

She finds out later that Puck and Mercedes have broken up, but she doesn't care much. After all, she's learned that there are more important things to be worried about.


End file.
